Starcraft 2 Armory - Unofficial Starcraft 2 Fansite

I've been told some of the FanFic stories don't have humor in them, so I decided to try my hand at a FanFic story that has humor and action in it. Please let me know what ya'll think of it. :) I'll add more later, I promise. And btw, this does have lots of foul language in it.
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Joe stood outside the bunker where he and three other of his comrades had been stationed. He gazed at the sun setting over the beach and lit a cigar.

"Hey Joe, you know that shit'll kill ya one day right?" said Andrew, the smartass of the bunch. The others, Ralph, Nicolai, and Joe himself laughed at that.

"Not if Cap'N Anderson kills us first," muttered Joe, still laughing.

"Hit me," said Ralph. Nicolai slid him a card and Ralph turned it over. "Dammit! Bust!"

Andrew smacked him on the back and Nicolai grinned. "Can't win 'em all, Ralphie," said Nicolai.

Joe blew a cloud of smoke out his mouth. "This planet is gorgeous, ya'll know that?"

Andrew looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Joe, no planet is gorgeous when ya got Zerg runnin' all over it."

"In that case, ain't no planet gorgeous no more," retorted Joe, still gazing at the lovely sunset.

"Suckers, that cash is mine!" said Andrew, scraping the credits into his hand. Nicolai and Ralph moaned.

"I just hope to God this shit is over with soon. I promised Anastasia I'd come home in one piece," said Joe as he pressed the cigar against the bunker wall, and threw it onto the ground.

"Your wife'll be fine, Joe. Ya know women. Always patient and calm," teased Andrew. Nicolai and Ralph burst aloud laughing, and Joe walked back in, a small smile on his face.

"If one filthy alien claw gets on my Anastasia, PRIVATE Andrew McManson, I blame you. Don't jinx anything."

"There ain't no such damn thing as jinxin', SERGEANT Joe Wilson," said Andrew, shooting him a bird.

Nicolai stood up and picked up the binoculars and gazed out the bunker. "What in tarnation is that shit?"

"What's what? Its probably a bengalaas, Nic. Just sit down and let me win another match of blackjack," said Andrew, laughing.

"No-uh, ya'll might wanna see this thing. Its a big sum bitch. I mean... its f*ckin' HUGE!"

Joe walked over and took the binoculars from Nicolai and looked out. "Holy Mary Mother of God!"

"What the f*ck is it, Sergeant?" said Andrew and Ralph in unison.

"I don't know. But its the ugliest, biggest sum' bitch I ever seen. Get the Cap'N on radio. NOW!"

"Does this mean our game of blackjack is over?" asks Andrew.

"Cap'N Anderson, we have a problem! A really BIG problem!" yells Joe into the radio.

Static is heard.

"Awww, shit!" cries out Nicolai.

The Captain's voice is heard, and the four marines give a sigh of relief.

"What the f*ck you want, Sergeant! What, you can't freakin' do a simple a job as stay in a f*ckin' bunker and wa-- wait, what the f*ck did you say about havin' a problem?"

The four marines now give a grunt of anger. "Freakin' prick," mumbles Ralph.

"Cap'N, there is a large... critter, about 900 yards away from us. And its slowly comin' this-a-way," says Joe, trying not to swear at his commanding officer.

"Well then, take the sum' bitch out. You are Marines for Christ sakes!" snaps the Captain.

"Cap'N Anderson, its a really big-ass sum' bitch!" yells Nicolai, trying to get the Captain to hear him.

"Nicolai Ismunov? You worthless piece of crap, pull your sorry ass together! You bastards better find some god-dang way to kill the thing, because right now, I ain't got time for your shit. Suck it up ladies, and God help you. We've got our own damn problems!" the Captain yells, angry.

A large BOOM and CRASH can be heard over the radio. "God-dang. Alright, dumb shits. I gotta go. Anderson out."

Joe sets the radio down and stands against the bunker wall. "Well boys, ya'll heard the Cap'N. We've got to find some damn way to kill it."

"Oh yeah? How you propose that? Run up to the critter and ask him if he'll oh-so-kindly- jump into the ocean? What the f*ck you propose we do, Sergeant?" says Nicolai, worried and frustrated.

"The first thing I want ya'll to do, is calm down. And that's an order. Whatever it is can be killed," says Joe trying to get his squad under control.

"Well, you find a way to take it down Joe, and I swear to you, I'll run out there like a freakin' kamikaze to do what needs to be done. But until then Joe, I'm sittin' my fat white ass down right here, with my Gauss rifle in my hands, and a picture of Lustful Lucy inside my mind," says Ralph, tightly gripping his rifle.

"Weren't you bastards all criminals once before?" asks Joe.

"Yeah. But who says criminals are brave? I'll admit, I'm a cowardly sum' bitch. Only reason why I haven't deserted my post is cause of these damn neural implants," says Andrew, who gives a light laugh.

"And Nicolai there, well, he's one of them academic folks. Ya know, the real smart, white-collar criminals. He stole money from a bank by hacking into the system. Ya ask me, that don't take a lotta damn bravery. The freakin' geek stole by sittin' on his pasty ass and typin' crap into the computer," explains Ralph.

Nicolai shoots Ralph a bird. "Not my damned fault you bastards dropped outta high school," he growls.

"Yeah, well, least we've been laid once before in our lives. You are on the other hand, are gonna die still a little flower," says Andrew, raising his voice on the words little flower.

"Can ya'll quit bitchin' for one second and let me think this through? Do we got any D8 charges?" asks Joe.

"Do we look like serial killers to you, Joe? No, therefor, we are not Reapers, and therefor we ain't got no D8 charges!" yells Andrew.

"Look smartass, if you got any better idears, just lay 'em on me, cause I'd be glad to God to hear them."

Andrew sighed and nodded. "Sorry Joe."

"Yeah, yeah," said Joe, waving his hand at Andrew as if to wave the apology away. "I know."

Nicolai looked out the bunker once again with the binoculars. "Its not doin' anything now Sergeant."

"Whatcha mean, Private?"

"I mean, its just standin' its big-ass Zerg self right in the middle of the freakin' field. Holy sh*t what's that?" Nicolai zooms in. "Zerglins'. Yippe-ki-ay."

"Looks like we got a little Zerg incursion goin' on, Sergeant," says Ralph.

"Four marines versus a buncha Zerglins' and a giant worm like critter. This is gonna be fun," mutters Andrew.

Loud laughing can be heard from behind the bunker. All four marines step out to see a large group of Reapers jetting downward toward them.

"How you Marine sissies doin'?" calls one of the Reapers.

"Well, shit. This gets better and better. We have bloodthirsty Zerg on one side of us, and a bunch of serial killers equipped with jetpacks and pistols on the other. God loves us, he does," mutters Andrew.

Joe laughs at Andrew and begins to light another cigar. "That he does."

The Reapers cackle their way toward Joe Wilson, waving their pistols in the air.

"What the hell are you nutcases doin' here?" asks Joe sternly through a exhalation of smoke.

"We nutcases have been sent by Cap'N Anderson to save your pathetic Marine asses. We thank you for your extreme hospitality," retorts one of the Reapers. "I am Corporal Jackson of Mad Dog Squadron. And you?"

Jackson's voice is loud and rough through his Reaper helm, and his metallic voice echoes.

"I am Sergeant Joe Wilson of this here..." he uses his thumb to point to his comrades, "squadron of men. Pardon me for my in-hospitality, but we have a teeny weeny problem."

"You mean a BIG F*CKIN' problem!" says Nicolai quickly, annoyed.

"Cap'N Andy says that if whatever the heck it is ain't big and bad, we're supposed to kill you for your, and I quote, 'God-dang complete f*ckin' waste of oxygen,'" explains Corporal Jackson, the giddiness in his voice quite clear.

"Cap'N Anderson can kiss my white ass. Now if you boys don't mind, we'd like to show you our situation," Joe says, beckoning the Reaper Corporal to follow him.

Jackson snatches the binoculars from Nicolai's hands. "Prick, bugger off!" barks Nicolai. "Its a pity they didn't electrocute your bloodthirsty ass when they could have."

Jackson puts on his sweetest voice, though, it still sounds rough and metallic. "Oh, is this how you treat your backup? We could leave you know."

Nicolai grumbles and sits down.

Jackson whistles. "God-dang! You sissies were right. Its freakin' HUGE! What the hell is it?"

"An Uberlisk," says Ralph quickly.

Everyone in the bunker looks at him. "What the f*ck is an Uberlisk?" asks Jackson.

Ralph shrugs. "I don't know. Its just freakin' huge, so I call it an Uberlisk."

"Well whatever the heck it is, I bet it don't wanna come in for a beer and watch a grav-ball game," says Andrew smartly.

Jackson laughs and smacks Andrew on the back of the head. "I like you. Your funny."

"Gee, thanks. I guess this means you won't murder me in my sleep, right?"

"Don't push your luck, bud," says Jackson.

"Yippe-ki-f*ckin-ay," mumbles Andrew.

"Hey, Skully!" yells the Corporal.

"Eh, Corporal?" calls out one of the Reapers.

"You got them D8 charges?"

"F*ck yeah I got 'em, Corporal. Are we gonna blow shit up?"

"Yes, my friend, we sure are."

The Reapers outside cheer. "Yee-haw!"

Corporal Jackson looks at Sergeant Joe. "Your Marine boys actually got the stones to do this?"

Joe laughs. "My boys have as much bravery as an SCV in a firefight, but they'll do what they're told."

Nicolai, Andrew, and Ralph glare at their commanding officer. "Gee-wiz, Joe, you sure are a good friend," says Andrew.

The Reaper Corporal and Joe laugh. "You boys know its true though. Now come on. Get your rifles, close your helms, and let's get a dadgum move on!" orders Joe.

The four Marines and the eleven reapers move slowly down the plateau, the marines in the middle, six reapers on their left, five on their right.

"I wonder what them Reapers did to get in," mumbles Ralph.

"Murder, rape, arson, robbery," says Jackson.

Ralph jumps at Jackson's voice. "Oh, so you musta murdered someone?"

"No. We all have murdered, raped, burned down a building, and robbed a place."

Ralph goes silent.

"Well, don't ya'll deserve a Nobel Peace Prize?" says Andrew.

Nicolai laughs. "You seen how low the standard is for ya to get that thing? Hell, they'll probably end up gettin' it!"

Joe chuckles and squishes his cigar under his nano-steel boot. "We're so f*cked," he says under his breath.

Love the sports reference with grav-ball, reading it caused me to burst out laughing.

(O___O)

i pooped myself! it was that awesome and funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks. :) Glad to know I made someone laugh. XD

The Reapers and Marines stopped 200 yards away from the "big-ass Zerg problem". The Marines were crouched within a large brush, and the Reapers high above them on another plateau.

"Shit. Shit. We are so f*cked!" cries Nicolai quietly.

"God-dang, Private, will you shut up!" orders Joe, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah. Hey, Sergeant, what if that Uberlisk actually does want to... ya know... have a beer and watch a grav-ball game? Shouldn't we polite and ask it.. I mean him. Or her. Or whatever the f*ck it is!" says Andrew nervously.

"I swear to the Creator, I'll kill you myself if you don't shutup, McManson!"

"But Joe, have you seen how f*ckin' HUGE it is?"

"Yes, Andrew, I have."

"It's f*ckin' huge."

"I know, Andrew."

"I said it's F*CKIN' HUGE!"

"God-dang it, shutup! I know it's f*ckin' huge, and if you don't bequiet I'll let the Reapers kill you if we get out of this alive!"

Andrew grew quiet.

"Well, it is f*ckin' huge, Sarge," says Ralph, interrupting the quiet.

"Jesus Christ, why did they make me the leader of you imbeciles!"

Corporal Jackson glares down at them. "Will you Marine sissies please shut the hell up! We're tryin' to think here!"

"What? I only thought you Reapers thought about killing little children and raping young women. But you can strategize? Holy Moses!" retorts Andrew.

"Ya know, I liked you, Marine, until just now. Shut the heck up or you are the first to go!" barks Jackson.

"I hope they get eaten," says Nicolai quietly.

"Hey, that's a great idea! How about those Reapers go in first!" says Andrew

"And then what?" asks Joe, now curious.

"That's it! We sit back and watch the f*ckin' show! Better than grav-ball!"

Joe hits Andrew on the back of the head with a closed fist. Hard.

"Shit, Sarge. I was only kiddin'."

"Sure you were."

Corporal Jackson yelled downward. "Hey, you Marines, we're gonna go in first, throw our D8 charges, jet back outta there, and while we throw the charges ya'll just lay down suppressive fire. Can you dumbshits do that?"

"Yes, we dumbshits sure can," says Joe, angry. "Now how 'bout you f*ckers quit insultin' us and go ahead and do your freakin' plan!"

Jackson growls. "Alright, fine. Give us one more second while we work on these charges."

"God, I'm half-way tempted go with your idea, Andrew."

"Really?"

"Hell, no. I have a smokin' hot girl back at home. I wanna get outta here alive!"

"F*ck."

"Hey, Andrew, you gotta girl back at home?" asks Ralph.

"Sure do."

"What's her name?"

"Free internet pornography."

"Nice," says Ralph as he high fives Andrew.

"Hey, you Marines ready now?" yells down Jackson.

"Ready as ever!" yells back Joe.

"Alright, you Reapers, ready to live up to your names?" Cheers can be heard.

"Yeah. And your reputation of living less than six months. Go ahead and do that. Dumbf*cks," says Andrew quietly.

Joe laughs. "Get ready boys. This is gonna be fun."

Quote by ZergSpawn76

"Well, it is f*ckin' huge, Sarge," says Ralph, interrupting the quiet.

Ralph = queer

=))

"Hey, Andrew, you gotta girl back at home?" asks Ralph.

"Sure do."

"What's her name?"

"Free internet pornography."

"Nice." Ralph high fives Andrew.

You sir, win!

Are you going to continue this? This sure is good and funny. Some readers may not like the interjections of Christian saints and such on their expressions though, so be careful. I am Catholic, but I don't mind it as long as there is no insult on the names being said.

In short, I like it.

Quote by ZergSpawn76

Ralph jumps at Jackson's voice. "Oh, so you musta murdered someone?"

"No. We all have murdered, raped, burned down a building, and robbed a place."



"What? I only thought you Reapers thought about killing little children and raping young women. But you can strategize? Holy Moses!" retorts Andrew.



Jackson whistles. "God-dang! You sissies were right. Its freakin' HUGE! What the hell is it?"

"An Uberlisk," says Ralph quickly.

Everyone in the bunker looks at him. "What the f*ck is an Uberlisk?" asks Jackson.

Ralph shrugs. "I don't know. Its just freakin' huge, so I call it an Uberlisk."

"Well whatever the heck it is, I bet it don't wanna come in for a beer and watch a grav-ball game," says Andrew smartly.

The Reapers leaped off the plateau, jetting forward toward the large Uberlisk.

The creature turned its gargantuan, worm like body toward the Reapers, and in the blink of an eye, snapped its huge jaws down upon the Reapers and swallowed them all in one big, long gulp.

"I just shit myself, Sarge," said Nicolai, shaking.

"Oh God, Nic, I smell it!" says Ralph, rolling his eyes within his helmet.

Andrew and Joe look at each other. "What the f*ck, Sarge. I am not going through with this shit."

A large WHOOSH and a BOOM is heard, and the Marines look up to see a missiles being fired from a Viking.

"Oh, Thank Jesus Lord Christ!" blurts aloud Joe.

"How many names for God are there?" says Andrew, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I don't give a damn, if God sent those Vikings, I'm a believer!"

The Uberlisk shrieks loudly, and the Marines scream in agony. "Jeez-Louise, that freakin' shriek is louder than Anastasia's!" cries out Joe.

"Wait, what do you mean by that Sarge?" asks Andrew through the shriek

"Nothing, Andrew. I just... nevermind."

The loud shriek ends as the gargantuan Uberlisk falls to the ground, its worm-like body crushing the tiny zerglings underneath.

"Damn. Hallelujah!" screams Andrew.

Nicolai faints in relief, and Ralph shakes him. "Nic. Nic, you stupid Ruskie, get up! Fine, your Vodka is mine."

Nicolai slaps Ralph across the face. "Uh-huh. Bullshit. Don't touch my f*ckin' Vodka."

"Jeez, man. You Ruskies and your Vodka."

"Damn right. Us Ruskies and our Vodka. Its our life source. Take it away, and I turn into a Reaper."

"You can HAVE your damn Vodka then!"

Joe stands up and waves at the Vikings. "Hey! Down here!" he screams.

The Viking slowly lands, the grass and trees blowing back and forth underneath its wind turbines.

The door opens and the pilot steps down.

Andrew and Joe's jaws drop. "Holy shit. We were rescued by that? God is REAL!"

Ralph and Nicolai look up. "Holy Mary," breathes Ralph.

"I don't think Mary looked like that. No, its a sin to look like that."

Believe you me, Silent, there shall be no insults on Christian saints or the Good Lord Himself. I'm a Christian nut, and I'd never make fun of them. :)

And I thank you. Coming from you, silent, that means a lot. I shall continue.

Quote by ZergSpawn76

Believe you me, Silent, there shall be no insults on Christian saints or the Good Lord Himself. I'm a Christian nut, and I'd never make fun of them. :)

And I thank you. Coming from you, silent, that means a lot. I shall continue.

Aryt. That's really cool. I guess we're quite on the same book. Nice post ender on the last one, btw.

And we are to interpret your Uberlisk as a wormlike zerg, vastly different from the omegalisk-like-ultra released by blizz, right?

Yes, you are. And that'll make sense later. :)

And I may not be a Catholic, but I have the same beliefs and views as ya'll do. Maybe pardoned from the Saint, part, that's about it. :D My best friend is a Catholic, and I've grown to respect and look up to people of the Roman Catholic faith. I, myself, am a non-denominational Christian. But let's not get off topic. More on this funny story later, I promise.

Well I have friends that are of other denominations, and we get along pretty well too. Anyway, I'm looking forward to see the next post but I may not be able to comment on it as my hell week starts over again tomorrow, if not today.

The Lord God help you through it. :)